Somethin 4 Da Honeyz

Be careful, Montell may just stare through your soul

You're my favorite idol
You're my unmatched rival

Please don't melt my golden calf
And take away my better half

You gave me gifts so extravagant
What a shame to abandon it

Like Lenny, out here killing rabbits
Squandering salvation indulging bad habits

Refreshen oxygen with Febreeze cans
Houses upheld by Carpenter's firm hand

Faithful, steady, true; whatever life brings
All things, new life, hope springs











*I couldn't not embed this gem... it all makes sense if you really think about it. The first person to connect this song to my poem, I will take to lunch. *


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Tower's Ablaze

U...S...A! U...S...A! U...S...A!

In keeping with the commemoration of 9/11. Here is something I've wrote about a tower that actually deserves to be destroyed... myself. 



Midnight Rattle

Frozen in darkness

Not only unwilling

Unable

Blind

Walls closing in

Sinking

Drowning

F it all then, I’ll gorge myself in my apathetic delights

Afraid of The Light

Too scared that I might

See so bright

I’ll get lost in the rays

That old me, off in the distance

Shimmering away

Face all pretty now

No not even

So jaded & disarranged with fake fragrance

Puff, puff, pass

That ain’t the way it go down

Get your own ish, you gotta put down

Fake confidence bubblin’, pushing my head up my ass

Naw, mine don’t stink

What’s y’all problem

Yeah, I’m the ish,

Scream at the sky

Hands to the sky

Not thumb, marriage, or the one you swear by

You’ll be, what you’ll be, no difference to me

I am what I am, so how could there be

Room for you to pursue, trap, & engage

This cold-blooded creature content with the rage

In love with the plain 

Trying to maintain

Keep spittin, I still don’t get it yet

I sent my son, he beat the grave, saved, & erased your debt

Naw, man, had a grip saved up

Salvation layover plan… I’ve almost made it

Son, you ain’t got ish

Here, take my merit

You’ll love it, I promise

Just to be near it

You ain’t got to prove yourself no more

Just wear it

Yeah man, feels good

Now that I’m in it

No rules, just love

Holdin down

You not me

There ain’t room for 2 ego’s this size

… Mine ain’t founded

Got yours on now I’m grounded

Cold blooded now

Can’t move in the dark

Real freedom now
Thats given the spark

Not left, right, center, red, blue, or green

It’s completely other

Jesus Christ the Supreme!

We Are Losing America!!!!

Days go by & still I think of you...

I, like some of you, have let myself succumb to this bite size world that we have crafted for ourselves. Twitter has been my more consist outlet for all of my brain clutter. This time, twitter is getting the shaft! 



We have lost America... and I kinda don't care. 

What I mean by that is I just do not have the head space for the over-imagined problems that the Christian culture-warriors seem to concern themselves with. I don't care if science teachers teach evolution, if the LGBT community have marital rights, if people say happy holidays, hobby lobby's employee benefits, and so on, and so on, and so on. 

You know we have real problems right? 

Recently, we have this brief moment where the 24hr cycle of news is actually covering things that matter like ISIS/ISIL/IS in Iraq, Palestine/Israel beef, and black people being hunted down by the police (Don't blink-- Lindsay Lohan is due for another rehab stint soon, so receive this while it lasts. Don't confuse this as praise for the media; they just happen to not be entirely crapping the bed in this small area).

With humans of every demographic dying the world over because of skin color, differing beliefs, bad theology, unusable water, sex trafficking, forced child armies, etc-- I just can't get lost in those kinds of weeds. 

I just can't feel sorry that your super privileged life of ease is being slightly inconvenienced because people in America are starting not to think/believe/act the way you'd want them to. Christian culture has mainly dominated in the USA since it's inception. You've had a good run...

For all you beleaguered Christian culture-warriors out there I have good news... I've been reading Revelation recently and as it turns out there is hope. You see Jesus comes back, like he said he would, and finally & ultimately redeems/rescues His creation and restores all things to himself. Like, for realsies. This is happening. JC will finally cash the check he wrote on Calvary. So all these things that you are so worried about now will be taken care of by the final blow JC delivers to satan/sin/death. In this world you may face tribulation, but JC has overcome the world. 

So I will make you a deal. Lets concentrate on the ISISes, Palestinian/Israeli Conflicts, black people being killed by police, Darfurs, sex traffickings, and food/shelter for all people. Once all that is handled, I'll happily join you in protecting America from the heathens. 

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Hey Now, You're An All Star

I so wish I had the strength to boycott the MLB All Star Game.  It is by far, the whackest of all the all star games (Out of my many flaws, the biggest, may be unsubstantiated loyalty).  
Tallying up, all the injured/vote-in/special vote-in players, the AL had 36 total all stars & the NL had 38.  74 all stars!  Whenever, you have nearly 75 of something, the word 'elite' gets muddled a bit.  Though, baseball doesn't work this way, that's 3 back-ups per position.  Whats worse is that, out of the 36 AL all stars, 18 of them only participate in half of the game!  (I'm with Crash when it comes to the DH!) 



   

Like Crash, I have a set of principles that govern my life, this one, being one of my top:
IF EVERYONE IS AN ALL STAR, NO ONE IS AN ALL STAR

The reason it's so important is because it speaks to many facets of life.  Whenever we deflate the excellent or inflate the reprehensible, we lose meaning.  As it pertains to the all star game, the word, 'all star' is then stripped of its meaning.  If everyone gets a trophy, then your 1st place trophy, becomes null & void.  If someone notices a trend, that a lot of the people in prison, happen to be black and then is called a racist, it strips the meaning of the word, when you need to call the people who have set-up the system that facilitates fast passing black people into prison, racists.  If everyone who has ever played a practical joke on someone, is a bully, it strips the meaning of the word, when we need it for the people who make someone a target & put all their energy into terrorizing that person.  For instance, in 5th grade, someone put glue on my chair, and I got stuck to my chair for a little while, that is a practical joke.  Also, in 5th grade, 2 of my friends made a cripple girl cry so many times, that they were keeping score, to see who could make her cry the most; the winner had 29.  See the difference.  So, if we call that kid who put glue in my chair a 'bully', and in the same breath, call my 2 friends 'bullies', it doesn't really make much sense. 


It speaks to this bigger need of accomplishment based praise.  Praise should be given to only those that achieve.  The kid that aces his test, needs to be recognized for it.  If another kid fails that same test, yet gets treated the same & given the same praise, then it strips the motivation from the achiever & subdues their accomplishment.  The failing kid will grow-up, feeling more capable than he actually is & will be greeted by an unforgiving world that will have no patience for his ineptitude.  It is NOT cruel to tell the failing kid that he is failing.  The truly cruel thing would be to pat him on his back & tell him good job.  Instead we should, come alongside the failing kid, give him the true report of his skills and then, coach him up so he too can achieve.  

I guess, bottom line is this: what's the thing that successful people have in common? They all at one point, to some degree, fail.  Lets not do our society the disservice of appeasement.  Let us expect much! Let us be honest with ourselves, and our peers, so that those who achieve, get recognition & those who do not, get help to achieve in the future.  

Part 2 of this post will be posted Friday.  

To All The Tweets I've Lost Before

Why do people do this to me?  
My work continued the tradition of scheduling things I have to be at in concert with important sports events.  I literally was scheduled to work all seven games of the NBA Finals.  Gosh! Don't people know that you have to schedule life around sports! 
I bring it up for a couple of reasons:

• When you don't watch it live, you don't get to participate in the conversation. 

A couple of things are happening all at once.  You have to go dark.  This is nearly impossible during the NBA Finals.  Even the most causal of observers are interested in this series.  You say, 'shouldn't be a problem; you work at a restaurant with no televisions, just turn off your phone, you'll be fine'; the only problem with that logic is, that every server is checking their smartphones for updates & trying to talk about it with each other & the kitchen crew is listening to it, on the radio.  I have spent much of my life trying to go dark with ruiners at every turn.  It's hard out here for a pimp! 
So, lets say you do the impossible & go dark.  Now your watching the game, by yourself, at 1030pm, and all of your input in the conversation is irrelevant because the game is over and/or someone else has already twat what you would've twat.  In high school when I would record the must see sport event du jour, at least I wasn't missing out in the conversation.  Plus, I would often have Nick or Jerry join me in watching whatever event it was.  Which leads me to my next point. 

• Sports are generally, the only must see television that's left

In this day & age of Twitter, Hulu, Netflix, TiVo, torrents, there is not a lot of immediacy that remains.  People can watch entire seasons of shows in a weekend or at whatever pace you choose.  It's a pretty respected social responsibility to curb your conversation, if someone in the circle hasn't seen something yet.  I remember, being in 6th grade and watching Beverly Hills 90210 while on the phone with Nick, breaking it down like Howard Cosell. With Twitter, you get to do that very same thing, with millions of people, all at once.  Given all the ills of social media, that's pretty fantastic. 


With all that being said, here are the tweets, I would've twat, If I could've twat, what I wanted to tweet. 


Three of the five games, my recording started on the entrances with Niggas in Paris as the music.  Great way to get hype for the games.

Its good to see LBJ reaching out to the international soccer community, with his life threatening monthly pains.  Even better, was the hockey community's reaction to his cramps.  I do wonder though, if the greater the athlete you are, the greater the pain of the cramp or are all cramps created equally.  I was also kind of hoping that a white trainer would start throwing bananas at him to curb the cramps and it would be misunderstood as a hate crime.  

Pretty rough week for the ASU faithful.  We were all waiting for The Beard to find his Eddie House/Byron Scott NBA Finals swag, but it just never happened.  All the while, UofAids is advancing to the College World Series.  For proper context, baseball is ASU's thing in the same way, basketball is UofAids thing (football is a toss-up, slightly favoring ASU).  In the year that the most MLB producing school is on probation, f'n UofAids is in the CWS. For my boys, Robert & Kyle, this is their nightmare! 


Stuart Scott is terrible.  I know he had some crazy tragic reason for this, but his lazy eye is frickin distracting, he's not a good host, he kept transitioning to LBJ, after he already talked to him.  


I really missed Charles Barkley & the TNT postgame show.  I heard Michael Wilbon say this week that Chuck is the most important voice in all of basketball right now.  Sounds pretty ridiculous, but I think he's right.  Chuck is usually proven right with his insights of the game, he holds players to higher standards & he has transitioned from former player to legitimate contributing media member.  


The greatest injustice of this Finals was that Juwan Howard, Cole Aldrich & Royal Ivey got playing time.  It felt like a D-League Make-A-Wish moment.  


I loved that moment when LBJ checked Chalmers for celebrating in the 3rd quarter.  Good leadership moment, even when the game is essentially over.  LBJ has officially crossed over into Kobe/Tom Brady territory for me, where I don't necessarily 'like' them, but their skill level is so unmatched, that I have to respect it.

As the clock ticked down to 00.0, I had to pop a little champagne, in light of the fact, that the River-Canal San Antonio Demon Spawn had not just won a title. 

Coach Spoelstra got his Trent Dilfer award for not pick-sixing his way out of a championship.  When your expectation level, is JUST DON'T F THIS UP, you can usually succeed. 

I really hope that Durant soaked in this entire moment.  I hope he watched the Heat fully celebrate.  I don't wanna see a smile on his face until he gets his title.  I wanna see him develop that inner 'f it' inside him.  I know Westbrook has the 'f it' inside him, but Durant needs to be the leader of this team.  

I love Coach Brooks' speech to his players with about 3 mins left.  Crazy classy! "Treat them like champions, because they beat us fair and square"

Bill Russell is the purest definition of clutch!!!!!! 11 NBA Titles in 13 years (85% championship rate)! 2 NCAA Championships! 1 Gold Medal!  As a player/coach, he became the first black head coach in NBA history!  21-0 in NCAA Tourney, Olympic medal round games & NBA game 7 & 5 games; literally never lost when it mattered most!  The NBA Finals MVP trophy is the most appropriately named trophy, in the history of all trophies. 

Thank you for enduring my Bill Simmons-esque ridiculously long post. 








      

Glee, Don't Be Gay

Oh Glee! I've faithfully watched this show for the last couple years & this past weeks episode sent me over the edge.  The show claims to be soooo progressive, but I'll argue that the show's creators are using some very tired stereotypes that are holding down the people that they aspire to lift up.  Before I destroy this show, I'll state the reason I've enjoyed the show:
I love music.  Bar none.  For the 95% of the music they play is the latest pop songs, the 5% of creative mash-ups and show tunes, it has made it worth it. 

Lets start by breaking down the characters that are sooooooooo progressive:


Kurt
His character makes no logical sense.  I understand that they have an aggressive agenda of born this way but you can't deny that your environment plays a part in who you are; and that is exactly what they do.  His mom died when he was 8, leaving him to be raised by his dad, who owns a small car repair shop.  Yet in the show, Kurt has no knowledge of cars or handy ability at all.  That makes no sense.  In middle America, a small business encompasses the whole family to at least a tiny degree.  For argument sake, lets say Kurt was born this way; he'd still would've been in the shop with his dad for most of his childhood.  But no, the show portrays him as the flaming-for-no-reason gay guy.  They even miss the boat on that.  
The show gets much progressive street cred for Kurt & Blaine's relationship, which to this I say, poppycock!  If I was gay, I'd be so pissed about how they treat their relationship.  Case in point, this past weeks episode: Blaine & Kurt are auditioning for the same part in the school musical.  They largely support each other but it is pretty clear that Blaine should get it.  So, Kurt meets Blaine on campus somewhere & basically resigns that Blaine deserves the role & does the whole I support you all the way, even-though you are taking my dream role.  A really romantic gesture from a significant other yet there's no kiss.  If this were a heterosexual couple, they definitely would have kissed.  I don't want to see them kiss but I'm just saying, you can't have it both ways.  You can't claim to champion the gay cause yet treat them like second class citizens.


Mercedes
An overweight, sassy, black woman; never seen that before!  That's enough of a stereotype to irritate me, then this past weeks episode sent me reeling.  They turned Mercedes into a selfish, cocky, look-at-me diva who demanded the star role seemingly out of nowhere.  This does not help & it's a lazy story move.  This stereotype is taken from the sports world where most talented black athletes are portrayed this way, especially in tv shows.  The message the show is sending is that black people cannot be team players, they're lazy & cause all sorts of derision.  This is not helping the negative black stereotype that continues to be played out in the media.  


Chang
This one is slight, but I believe just as potent.  Chang is a very minor character in the show who's just known for his dancing ability.  This past weeks episode he was spotlighted and they pulled out the stereotypeometer for his story arc.  He gets an A- (which they call an Asian F, not offensive at all) and his parents basically banish him from the glee club so he can pull up his grades but he rebels & stays in the club anyway.  The ole overbearing Asian parents card, the oldest trick in the book.  This stereotype conflicts me a bit because I think parents should be actively involved in their children's education.  Though you should not smother a child with your own desires, in the end, the very thing that makes Chang such a good dancer is that he is driven & works hard, virtues he learned from his parents.  Is that such a bad thing?  Again, extremism is almost always unhelpful, but in the end, I'd rather have 2 parents that push you hard & teach you discipline over the other end of the spectrum which is so pervasive in our culture, complete passivity on the part of the parents.  As an adolescent, I had no gauge on what my priorities should be and where to put my time.  I could have used a little more Chang's parents in my life.  With all that being said, It still bothers me that Chang's first shining moment of the show is showered in stereotype. 


Glee, lets not sprain your hand, patting yourself on the back for being so forward thinking & progressive.  Your story is unimaginative, cliched & telegraphed.  Your music selection is lazy at best.  I guarantee that within the next 4 episodes they'll have a version of Pumped Up Kicks, lets hope without the school shooting.  Have an original thought for your story & your characters and then we can talk. 

Help Racism

***********SPOILER ALERT***********
I will be ruining The Help for you if you have yet to see it, so please continue at your own risk. 

 

I kept seeing this poster everywhere & got really weird vibes from it.  I also kept hearing rave reviews from critics & friends alike about how good it is, but I still couldn't shake my initial uneasiness.  Then a Huffington Post contributor Rebecca Wanzo jumped inside my brain, wrote this article & completely nailed the vibe that I was getting from the movie.  Sitting validated in my initial position, I resolved to hate this movie and the message it's promoting: that (a) minorities have no inherent voice of their own and they need a white person to be heard and (b) that white people can see the civil rights movement as a level of their evolution & something that they helped bring along & now, "I can stop feeling guilty because I saw this movie and I'm so glad race is such a non-issue in our society.  Go us!"

A few days later of seething & scoffing at the simpletons that were actually hoodwinked into enjoying The Help, a jolt hit me... I hadn't read the book or seen the movie yet.  
I was building this whole case of damnation without any firsthand knowledge.  Ignorance is the only word that could describe my current state.  Wanting to protect my pride, I resigned to view the movie so that I could dispel my ignorance in hopes of keeping the same viewpoint.  
 
So now that I have seen the movie, I'm very emotionally conflicted.  

Con:  
I still am very opposed to any notion that minorities have no inherent voice and to be heard they need a white person to speak their cause.  And I do still hate the pat-on-the-back white people are giving themselves, in light of this movie.  I also resonate with one of Wanzo's main assertions, that she wants to see more of the black story outside of being a service person (and today, I would add, gangster, rapper or athlete).  So much of the real story of the pre to post Jim Crow South has not been told so movies like The Help lose a bit of contextual credibility.  The ABWH protest letter says it best, "In the end, The Help is not a story about the millions of hardworking and dignified black women who labored in white homes to support their families and communities. Rather, it is the coming-of-age story of a white protagonist, who uses myths about the lives of black women to make sense of her own." (more on this quote later).  You also get a feeling from the movie that 'there were a few meanies who cajoled the rest of the white people into treating black people horribly and if left alone, they wouldn't be so mean to black people' (i.e. the scene where Hilly fires Aibileen while Elizabeth, her employer, sheepishly looks on & the scene where Constantine gets fired by Charlotte because, Charlotte's important dinner guest says that 'she doesn't stand for that kind of behavior').  Bigotry and oppression were the norm, where, civility and decency, were the exceptions.  All that being said...

Pro:    
The movie was well executed.  Great pacing, story-telling and the acting was superb.  I don't think this movie set out to describe the entire Jim Crow South.  I just think it was trying to tell one story.  The movie assumes you know the context of the narrative, which is dangerous ground to walk on, especially, with 'history' being passed down by the ones with the power.  This is one of my conflictions; the contextual problem.  Is it okay to tell just one story?  How much context is needed?  How beholden to the audience, is an artist in telling their story/message? At some point, it could get overwhelming to expect an artist to canvas that much context into their work.  But I love context!  Nothing is in a vacuum & any story is shaped by all of the pertinent circumstances, locations and world events that belay it.  Hence the rub.  Unlike this confliction, advocacy is a gigantic weight that evens the scales in my judgement & is an undeniable theme of the movie.  Though, every peoples' voice is inherently worthwhile & deserving of audience, it's just true that there are times/places where demographics of society have not been heard, even today.  If your voice is not being heard, regardless of demographic, and someone speaks on your behalf, that is life-giving.  That hits right at the essence of the gospel that Jesus brings & is.  With the curse of the fall, we have lost the right to be heard by God.  But He doesn't let us stay in silence forever, like we deserve.  He sends Jesus, whose life, death & resurrection earn us our place at the table.  God's spirit even intercedes on our behalf.  Jesus didn't just face the threat of social outcast, but actually died so that we can have a voice & silences our accuser in his resurrection!!!!!  


With any amount of con the movie presents, this is where I land:  We must advocate! 

Letting My Freak Flag Fly

I decided to celebrate National LGBT Pride month by watching The Last Song, a fair to slightly above average coming-of-age film starring Miley Cyrus, Greg Kinnear & Liam Hemsworth.  Consider this your alert of spoils. 

A couple of things took me out of the movie experience

• The movie is based on a Nicholas Sparks book.  So as I'm watching it, all I can think about is, when's cancer coming.  I know someone's gotta have it.  I swear, Sparks writes his books like a mad lib & just enters in setting & characters, as opposed to nouns, adverbs & similes.  
• No female is playing hard to get with Liam Hemsworth.  I'm sorry, Hemsworth has drawls droppin' everywhere he goes, just a fact. 
• Every time someone said Miley's characters name, Ronnie, instantly I heard Rihanna busting out a, 'shy Ronnie...' and I lost focus. 

A couple of revelations

• Greg Kinnear is a crazy good actor!  I can't think of one bad performance he's ever had.  
• Miley Cyrus, not so much.  Anything slightly serious or emotionally stretching reveal her glaring growth areas. 
• I need the beach soon.  Even just watching the beach scenes had a soothing effect on my soul.  
• Hemsworth is going to kill as Gale.  I really need to start tempering my expectations for the Hunger Games movie.
• Girls like interacting with animals.  Why?  I really am curious.  I fear that I may need to relent on my aggressive stance of animals needing to be in the wild in order to interact with girls.  
• Tangentially related, I Love You, Phillip Morris is not about tobacco.
• Also just as timely, I've recently watched the SNL that Elton John hosted.  If I was gay, I'd be extremely offended by that episode.  It was basically an hour and a half of 'hey, I'm gay' followed by overly aggressive sexual innuendos & overt stereotypes.  It would be comparable to Ken Jeong hosting & the whole show being about math, chopsticks & bad driving.  You couldn't have one sketch were Elton wasn't just 'the gay guy'.  C'mon man!  Its not creative & you're better than that. 
• The need for human connection is immense.  
• To my knowledge, I've never had someone tell me a big lie.  I don't know how I'd react upon discovering the truth.  What's the ratio of built-up trust versus size of the deception.  In my closest experiences, I lean towards understanding & wanting to move forward.  Maybe a defense mechanism, I don't know.  I'll hop on the couch another day for that one. 

If you haven't yet, watch the movie & let me know what you think.  

Apathy Is Assent

Apathy is assent!  If you don't care and keep silent then you are agreeing with any outcome.  The current injustice that I aim to speak out on is the renewing of the patriot act, which was signed via Presidents Obama's robot last Thursday.  Rep. Ron Paul of Texas has cried out against this way better than I could, so please enjoy this video.  Do not be deterred by his creepiness in appearance or his place of origin but just close your eyes & hear his words.  



  
Thinking about the patriot act sends me into a whirlwind of emotions.  First I am just angry.  Angry that we let people lord over us with fear.  Angry that we let people shove a false sense of national security down our throats.  Angry that we come out in droves to vote for American Idol, but can't really find time in our busy schedules to protest in any form.  Then I adjust the periscope a little wider and start to think about Palestine.  Or Libya.  Or Yemen.  Or Pakistan.  Or Bahrain.  Or Somalia.  Or Uganda.  Our problems seem to pale in comparison.  I didn't grow up with bombs going off.  No one in my family has been raped by someone in a uniform.  No one has set up concrete barriers between me & Fry's.  Then I just feel sad.  Sad for us, sad for the world.  It all just feels hopeless... But it is not hopeless! After some delay, I finally come to my base emotion of serene trust.  I remember that God is sovereign.  No entity can outsmart or out-evil God's plan to bring maximum glory to himself & complete good to his children.  God's been running the world for a long, long time; He's got this!  Unlike the faux-picture of the cross above, God did not tell us to f off or to figure out the problems of the world ourselves.  He did go on that cross & carry the weight of the world's evil.  He did rise on the third day, defeating satan, sin, suffering & death.  And He is coming back, where He will finally and completely restore all things & drive away all injustice.  In light of these great truths, I do not think we are called to sit back on our laurels.  These truths do not give us license to laziness & apathy.  I do not know necessarily what to do, but I do know this; WE MUST CARE!!

PS For a snarky take on the pledge of allegiance, click here. 

Prolly The Most Important Thing You Can Hear

True & Better from Peter Artemenko on Vimeo.




I posted this same exact thing a couple years ago.  I just transcribed it by listening to the sermon & typing it out.  I had to pause it like 400 times to get it just right.  This is definitely a better presentation of this message.  If you can get this, than all the scriptures will open to you.

Swiss Army Knife Award

That's right!!!! Mumford & Sons nabs the Swiss Army Knife Award, the highest Audible Heisman there is.  This is one of those 'sign post' albums, where you know exactly where you were when you first heard it.  I was on the Mogollon Rim driving to Phoenix with my buddy Robert.  They come in with the 'serve God, love me & mend' and I was like, 'oh, ish!!!! This is something like I've never quite heard before.'  It simultaneously is a breath of fresh air that takes your breath away.  I haven't had that confused respiratory sensation sense ridin' with my boy Jerry listening to his bootleg copy of College Dropout.  


Since Sigh No More's arrival to my cd player, it has not left.  I have never once skipped a track.  There are literally no dead spots in the whole album!  Another mark of a great album, my favorite song has changed numerous times; currently it is "After The Storm".  The prime reason I love this album so much is it's exultability.  You see, I don't like to demarcate the world into secular and sacred.  I feel that makes God way to small.  To say that you could only praise/worship/honor/revere God in these three specific ways that 50 yr old, white republican guys approve of, limits God.  I believe that God is so sovereign that anything that is created, ultimately, will serve to glorify Him.  I call it running it up the flag pole.  If I were just stop at Mumford & Sons and say, 'wow, these guys are talented.  This music makes me feel good, etc.'  I would've have stopped short of the music's ultimate intended end.  But if I were to say, 'wow, these guys are talented, praise the God that invented music & instruments that can make that sound.  Praise the God that heals me while I listen to this music.  Praise the God that has accomplished the actual victory I feel when I listen to this album, etc.'  I believe we should do this with all things.  


Here are exulting highlights from the album:

"Sigh No More"- 'Love it will not betray you/ Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free/ Be more like the man you were made to be'
"Roll Away Your Stone"- 'It seems that all my bridges have been burnt/ But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works/ It's not the long walk home that will change this heart/ But the welcome I receive with the the restart'
"White Blank Page"- 'Lead me to the truth and I/ Will follow you with my whole life'
"I Gave You All"- 'If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won'
"After The Storm"- 'But there will come a time you'll see/ With no more tears/ And love will not break your heart/ But dismiss your fears/ Get over your hill and see, what you find there/ With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair'

Here is my current favorite song on the album, "After The Storm".  Hope you enjoy it.  Def check out this whole album if you haven't already.  

Swiss Army Knife Award Preamble

At long last, the Audible Heisman for the best album of the year.  This one was quite the photo finish!  2010 was a solid year for music.  The runner-up department is multi-tiered.


Farthest from the front, you have the Lady Antebellum/Sufjan Stevens for the show.  Need You Now was a very impressive sophomore showing.  I really didn't think it would be all that great. But four singles to date, including the crossover that is the album's namesake; I was mistaken.  Age of Adz was a raving indie success.  A lot of people's favorite album of the year! To be great, an artist must continue to adapt & grow and Age of Adz certainly accomplishes this.  Its sound is takes a complete 180 and goes crazy electro-funk hippie and it really lands.  The hardcore Sufjan purists might hate the change, but I like it.  The main reason the album slipped to third runner-up is that I think the concert that I attended was much better than the album actually was.  The visual experience of the concert really brought the music alive but the best album of the year should be able to stand on its own.  Plus, if I was ever to grab coffee with Sufi, I think I'd throw up in my mouth bout 3 times & cold cock him 5 times. 


Placing is Taylor Swift/Arcade Fire.  Speak Now is fantastic.  The album will probably have 4-5 hits when its all said and done.  Unlike Sufjan, my beloved Tay Tay has not really adapted or changed all that much, which is kinda okay by me.  I know it sounds contradictory, based on the previous paragraph, but let me explain.  Some artists just need to find they're lane and stay in it, she may be in that category.  She's still really young and time will tell which way her career goes, but I still submit that if she wants to be great, I mean, short list great, she'll evolve.  Suburbs really hits hard.  A slightly different sound, but still retains the Arcade Fire intensity & depth.  The whole album just flows really well.  I don't have anything really negative to say about it, it just didn't do enough to eek out the victory. 


With the win, the first runner-up is Kanye West.  My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, in a way, encapsulates Kanye West.  He's gonna piss you off with his arrogance; then bring you back with his talent (small jag: he doesn't piss me off with his arrogance.  I am really attracted to arrogance.  Especially when it is backed up).  Lets do the timeline:
09.13.2009: Kanye Crashes Tay Tay's acceptance speech.
09.14.2009: Start of a whirlwind of Kanye shunning. Butt of everyone's jokes, national tour with Lady Gaga cancelled, bit of depression, etc.
02.2010: Goes to Hawaii, fly's out Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, Bon Iver, Charlie Wilson to record upcoming album.
07.28.2010: Ye joins Twitter, accumulates over 220,000 followers on first day.
08.2010: Starts G.O.O.D. Fridays where he leaks a free song every friday (started a chain reaction of other hip hop artists doing the same), assures public next album is gonna be fire and will come out in November.
11.22.2010: drops My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy as the years most anticipated album, debuted at #1 on the Billboard 200 with almost 500,000 sold in first week, 4 hit singles, etc. 
04.17.11: Closes Coachella, the biggest music festival of a year (prolly the best musical festival in my lifetime) with a 2 hour set that left crowd stunned & awed. Game, blouses!


And MBDTF is the runner-up!!!!!!!! So, the Swiss Army Knife Award goes to...

Chuck Norris Award

This Audible Heisman is given to the baddest, illest, most dominate song of the year.  I'm sure, like me, that you can't deny the awesomeness that is Chuck Norris.  I'm sure you've heard them all, but here are a few highlights:


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking 'bout. 
When Chuck Norris had surgery, anesthesia was applied to the doctor. 
Via http://www.thechucknorrisfacts.com/

Thats the intensity that this song brings to your ear drums.  It has four of the coldest mc's in the game, including a top three all time lyricist.  One of the best male vocals from a different genre.  The verse of the year that steals the whole song.  The song is on one of the most anticipated albums of the whole year.  It was given away for free.  What else do you want from a song?  So now, the Chuck Norris Award goes to...







Where to start?  To say my mind was blown would be the understatement of the year.  I was playing volleyball and I got a text from my fellow hip hop aficionado Isaac and it just said 'Monster'.  I was intrigued and was excited to get home and check online to see if I could crack the code.  I found out very quickly & I heard this song, I was goin all kenny smith on it, its over, its over!!!!!!  It starts out Bon Iver (yeah, I know!) then comes a lion roar.  I was hooked right then and there!  Nicki Minaj utterly destroys her verse (apparently it was co-wrote by ye, which isn't surprising) and takes over the song, a song with Jay-Z on it.  That right there puts her in very select company.  I mean seriously: 

• Pull up in the monster automobile gangster with a bad b-tch that came from Sri Lanka yeah I'm in that Tawnka, colour of Willy Wonka
• yeah my money's so tall that my barbie's gotta climb it
• but really really I don't give a F-U-C-K forget barbie f-ck nicki she's fake she's on a diet but my pockets eating cheese cake
• and I'll say bride of Chucky is Child's play just killed another career it's a mild day besides 'Ye they can't stand besides me

I know it must seem quite convenient that a Kanye song is song of the year.  First of all, touche.  Second of all, let me assure you that the awarding process is very strenuous, not to be rivaled by any other award show in its integrity and confidentiality.  I can't help that my favorite just happens to be the best sometimes, ya know?  

Its been a long, bumpy ride but the final award is upon us.  The Swiss Army Knife Award, after the jump. 




 
  

Louis Vuitton Don Award

The Louis Vuitton Don Award is awarded to the best & worst award show moment.  This Audible Heisman gets its namesake from Kanye West aka the best & worst thing to happen to award shows (i.e. this, this & this).  The latter part of this award was easy.  The moment I experienced it, I knew right then & there, this is awful & needs to be publicly ridiculed.  

That is all I have to say about that. 


Now to greener pastures...  The positive half of the award more than makes up for it's counterpart. 




So, just before Digital Underground came out, Cali Swag District was out there teaching folks how to dougie.  It was a sick transition & the whole room just became electric!  To top it off, a sweet homage to Tupac to wrap it up.  For those that don't know, Tupac got his start as an early rapper with Digital Underground.  He was basically part roadie, part entourage member for the group.  He got his big lyrical break where he smashed the last lyric on Digital Underground's hit 'Same Song' in 1991.  In 1993, Tupac returned the favor and put Digital Undergound on his hit, 'I Get Around', which basically feels like a 'Same Song' part 2.  Stay tuned for the Chuck Norris Award!

Tangentry

I get outta my car from a long day of couriering & I'm loading up my ish to bring inside.  This Black Caddy, slowly creeps by & the driver says:

Hey, you know where I can get some weed?

(Two things, I love how this type of question is just normal to me.  Like, you know where the nearest Burger King is or the nearest Post Office.  I imagine he's new in town & just wanting to find out where to ascertain some staples, i.e. contraband.  Secondly, I love that it was just normal to ask it, for the same reason) I say:

Naw, man, sorry.  He wryly smiles & keeps driving.  


So, either I'm so hood, that it seemed like I could be a reliable source of the sticky.  Or, I'm so not hood, that it was hilarious to ask me.  Of course I hope for the former, but the latter would be rather entertaining.  Either way, I like where his head is at and hopes he finds his green relaxant.  


Man, I wish the supposed liberal CA wouldn't have dropped the ball on legalizing marijuana.  They need to puff, puff, pass that legislation already.  In 80 years from now, they are going to look back at us in the same way we look at the prohibitionists in the '20s.  Whats the big deal?  What took you so long?


This of course is one morsel of a huge ding dong of a problem, namely, restriction under the fallacy of safety/security.  Lets take seat belts.  For the sake of argument, we will submit to the given that wearing a seat belt improves your chances of safety upon impact.  Fine.  But if there are people who are stupid enough to drive without them, they will have their consequences.  There's no reason to fine them.  Its just another bullcrap way for our govt. to extract our money from us.  I would say the same is true with narcotics.  Can it be extremely hazardous to your health, physically, emotionally & psychologically to use them?  YES.  If you use them in excess, will there be some rather severe consequences?  YES (just like the legal alcohol, fast food, etc).  Should we make it illegal to use them?  NO.  Should there be prison, upon prison, full of people who are mainly non-violent weed smokers? NO.  How are these prisons funded?  Your tax dollars.  Instead of any type of proactive crime prevention, or stopping the sex trade or building schools, this money goes to businesses that are in bed with the govt.  God Bless America, indeed!


The only caveat I would throw in there is that certain things do need to be restricted based on age.  I certainly wouldn't want to see a 12 yr old, driving around with a blunt in hand. If your over 21 then I think you should also be able to smoke weed, just like you can gamble, drink & buy tobacco.  


To end on a slightly lighter note, here is my favorite weed song of all time:





Thank you for bearing with this extended commercial break.  In two shakes of a lamb's tail, we'll be back with the Louis Vuitton Don Award. 

Epilepsy Award

This Audible Heisman goes to the song that just makes you lose your mind and go insane when upon hearing it aka the club banger of the year.  This is the song that, when it comes on, raises the temperature bout 15 degrees.  As with most years, there was very stiff competition for the crown.  Honorable mentions include 'BMF' and 'MC Hammer' by Rick Ross, 'Bottoms Up' by Trey Songz and 'Everybody Drunk' by Ludacris.  This year's winner has all the hottest mc's on the track.  That is something that is uniquely hip hop.  In no other genre, do you have a song come out & then a week later everybody and they momma spit's over it.  There's a sorta open sourceness/gamesmanship that exists where if there's a hot beat, the next person wants to flow over it.  Its an homage, but at the same time, they wanna top the previous person.  It used to sort of exist in the outlaw country days, (i.e. 'Good Hearted Woman', 'Highwayman', 'Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys') but never like it is now in hip hop.  There's that same feel to the Epilepsy Award winner, which is...



DJ Khaled- 'All I Do Is Win Remix' ft. T-Pain, Rick Ross, Busta Rhymes, Diddy, Nicki Minaj, Fabolous, Jadakiss & Fat Joe



And here's a bonus for ya, the original with Rick Ross, Ludacris and Snoop





When this song comes on, everybody's hands go up... and they stay there! 'Nuff said.  After the jump, the Louis Vuitton Don Award.

J-B Weld Award

This Audible Heisman goes to the best mash-up of the year.  A quality mash-up is hard to accomplish.  You have to take the best qualities of each song and somehow flow them together.  The first mash-up I heard that really made me take notice of this style of mixing music was the album 'From Blue Eyes To Bedstuy'.  It was a combo of Frank Sinatra and Notorious B.I.G.  This was before the massive explosion of free music on the internet, so sadly, I do not own this album and haven't been able to find it.  The mash-up that really put the art of mashing in the national spectrum was 'The Grey Album'.  It mixed The Beatles 'White Album' with Jay-Z's 'Black Album'.  DJ Danger Mouse was the masher in this case and then went on to co-found Gnarls Barkley with Cee-Lo.  Speaking of, the J-B Weld Award goes to... 



DJ O-Face- 'Jay Bells'


I couldn't find a video of any song off the album, so I'm just going to post the two songs of my favorite track separately.  Also, you can go here to grab the whole album.

Jay-Z- 'Izzo'



Sleigh Bells- 'Riot Rhythm'





Solid songs individually, dynamite together.  Also, 'Izzo' was Kanye's first hit as a producer, so there's always a soft spot there.  For those of you that know hip hop/rap, especially mash-ups, you probably have some beef with me right now.  How can there be a mash-up award and it not go to Girl Talk.  Simmer down, there is a valid reason.  Girl Talk is not eligible for the Audible Heismans for two reasons:
1. He got caught with performance enhancing drugs.  It turns out he was injecting himself with more than the legal limit of awesome.  The playing field is not even. 
2. He's already in the Audible Heisman Hall of Fame. 
The fact of the matter is that Girl Talk is on another level when it comes to mash-ups.  Most people will take two songs and put them together.  Girl Talk is not content with two.  His mash-up mixtapes usually contain a mix of 100-200 songs spanning several genres.  My favorite album of his is 'Night Ripper'.  You can also grab his most recent album 'All Day'.  Keep your eyes peeled for the Epilepsy Award.

Blue Light Special Award

This Audible Heisman is awarded to the song that you put on layaway.  With listening to the radio, anyone with a semblance of a discerning palate, faces the same dilemma.  How many times have you turned on the radio to hear 'wake up in the morning, feelin' like P Diddy...' and just let out an 'arrrrrrgggghhh' and plugged the Aux cord in your iPod?  Thousands of times by now, to be sure.  Like most media, the whole radio system panders to the lowest common denominator.  It is not wired for the people that listen to their radio all day long, they're counting on only getting you for about 10mins, every 2hrs.  So, just to be safe, they play numbers 1-5 song on a constant loop all day, so that the masses will hit it & be like thats my jam, even though its entirely played out.  Its all part of my love/hate relationship with the radio.  It would take a firestorm of ridiculousness the likes foretold in Revelation for me to turn my back on the radio.  It is still, to this day, reigning champion as best gift I ever received; for my ninth birthday, my own radio I could put in my room!  I want to be able to read the pulse of our culture, but I want a little variety in what I hear all day as well.  I have 5 general reactions to the radio: 
1. 'arrrrrrgggh, seriously, apparently, i'm still a firework.' 
2. 'hmmm, interesting, I'm kinda diggin' this... yeah, uh huh, you know what it is...'
3. 'man, I'm into this song, but I'd be down if they wouldn't play it for a long, long while... can we pretend that airplanes...'
4. 'thats my jammmmmmm!!!!!! no matter whats happening or how many times I've heard it, its hot and I'm into it... I know its been a while, sweetheart, we hardly talk...'
and 
5. 'I dig it, but every time it comes on its getting skipped.'
This winner received the 5th reaction.  More people should do this.  If somehow you can have the forethought to have a small taste of a song and realize you like it but it has potential to be a 3rd reaction song, put it on layaway and pick it up from customer service in bout 6 months; surely, Ke$ha will have taken Jesus off her neck-a-lus, us, us by that time (one can hope, right).  With that introduction, the Blue Light Special Award goes to...






Bruno Mars- The Way You Are



I was curious how it was gonna go for Bruno.  Was he going to be just a hook guy and stay in AAA with his .430 avg. or would he have the goods to adjust to big league pitching and make the transition.  So far, it seems as if he can hit more than a fastball.  This song is objectively good.  Catchy, touching, good voice, strong lyrics.  Grenade may be even better (2nd reaction currently and will probably jump to 4th reaction in a couple years).  Somehow, the stars aligned and I just knew to hold off on this song.  I'm actually still holding off on it, I'll more than likely embrace it fully in a couple months.  And it will be so worth the wait.  Never underestimate the power of delayed gratification. Keep your eyes peeled for the J-B Weld Award after the break.

Jordan Knight Award

This award goes to the best new artist aka the best new kid on the block.  Many people don't know this bout me, but I have very serious opinions about NKOTB.  Ask any real fan & they'll tell you that Jordan Knight is the prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box.  I got mad love for Joey, for obvious reasons. Danny was just dumb; Danny, you're not tough, you're in a boy band.  Donnie was kind of the leader of the group who went on to be a E list character actor.  He also had a very short stint as a horrible rapper.  Jonathan & Jordan Knight were the brains behind the 'music' & choreography.  Jordan made a 6 day comeback in '99 with 'Give It To You' (sad to say, I actually had this single) which I believe made it even possible to have the renaissance of NKOTB.  Jordan had the leading man looks that Jonathan never had, hence best new kid (send all hate mail to my 2 sisters who indoctrinated me, against my will, to the stylings of NKOTB).  With all that in mind, the Jordan Knight Award goes to...






Nicki Minaj



Nicki Minaj had a monster year!!! She dropped one of the most anticipated albums in music this past year.  She's brings it harder than most dudes a la Foxy Brown.  She's cute & weird.  She stole pretty much every track she collab'd on (i.e. Bedrock, My Chick Bad etc).  For some reason I really dig her vibe & her flow.  She's got some great mentors in Drake & Lil' Wayne to push her to keep getting better so she'll be a name for a while to come.  Up next is the Blue Light Special Award.